She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
