I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
