and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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