i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
