Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
