Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
