rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
