How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We were destined to go to rehab together
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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