The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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