I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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