After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
