i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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