this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
