Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
