Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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