Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
