i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I forget how to act sober
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
