Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
