i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
