I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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