I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
