if you like me you must not know who I am
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
