i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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