I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Vodka?
Forever.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
