bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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