I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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