i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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