Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
