I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
