You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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