so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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