I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
