You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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