thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
