Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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