i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
