At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
