my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Randomize
