so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
