Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
