She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
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