are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
