you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
