I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize