Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
