just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
