i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
