I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
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