sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
