the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
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He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
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You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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