he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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