Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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