im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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