mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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