grandma shit on top of the toilet
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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